Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1

Why am I disappointed that Scott Lobdell isn’t writing this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I’m currently caught up on all the regular titles and only have three more annuals to go before I can spend some quality time not putting every thought I have onto the internet. So let’s get on with it!

The Master of Robo-Ninja Style Assassinating has found himself skewered on a number of spikes slowly and hanging over a fire on The Island of Misfit Assassins. The Assassins are all shown in the shadows but since the one that puts the Master of Robo-Ninja Style out of his misery uses claws on his hands and tigers have claws, he’s probably Ben Turner.

The “she” is probably Cheshire.

The bounty talk has me confused. There is a half million dollar bounty on each member of the Outlaws. Bronze Tiger says, “You dare step in and take our bounty? You dare side against the likes of us?” I suppose the bounty is being offered by someone other than the League of Assassins? But they want Red Hood so they’re trying to keep other people from claiming the bounty since they’d be taking their prey? Perhaps if I hadn’t eaten so much candy, I’d be able to focus better.

Back on the island that serves as the Red Hood and the Outlaws’ home, Jason Todd has now decided that he wants to know about his past. I knew it! You can’t forget your past without the curiosity eventually forcing you to find a way to remember it! So instead of telling Saru to give him back his memories, Jason Todd trusted he didn’t want them, left the All or Nothing Acres Wood, and then suddenly needed to know about himself. This whole loss of memory was a stupid idea. I’d really like to know the story behind Lobdell and editorial deciding Red Hood should have his mind wiped.

Since Starfire and Roy are suddenly being coy (Koy? Kori + Roy?) with Jason about his history, he looks himself up on Wikipedia. The main gist of the entry is that he has 83 confirmed kills under his hood. That’s pretty good! I mean, bad. That’s bad! It should probably be zero. Now look up Batman! What’s his kill count?! Come on, I know it’s not zero!

Meanwhile Roy is in bed thinking about his past because Kory hates to cuddle with anybody except Dick Grayson.

Oh, and it looks like I was wrong about Hugo Strange never coming back into the story! I’m sure if Lobdell were still writing, he’d have forgotten about it.

The Outlaws are falling apart now that Jason lost his memory. Jason thinks he can trust Roy and Kory but then he reads that he’s an international criminal and a killer and he’s not sure he can. Roy feels Kori is lying to him about something big (she is! She still loves Dick! No, no. Grayson’s dick!), so he’s losing his trust in her. And he’s remembering how Green Arrow lost trust in Speedy because Speedy would drink a twelve pack of beer when he was doing Naomi’s job. And now Roy finds some green arrows on the beach and wonders what that could possibly mean.

He’s surprised to discover it means Green Arrow is visiting!

While Roy and Ollie are getting reacquainted, Starfire is busy getting herself killed.

By Cheshire’s crotch!

Roy sends Ollie to go protect Red Hood since Red Hood who apparently doesn’t have a secret identity since Roy tells Ollie to find Jason (I just can’t keep straight who does and doesn’t have a secret identity!) while Roy remembers his past with Green Arrow. I think Roy is also supposed to be fighting Cheshire and trying to save Starfire’s life but sometimes you just have to hesitate for a moment and remember that time in your life when your idol told you there is no fucking way in hell he wants to put a kid’s life at risk by allowing him to be his sidekick.

Wait a second. Roy is all fucked up because Green Arrow was, unlike Bruce Wayne, acting responsibly? Boo fucking hoo! Go stick a needle in your arm! Oh yeah, he did!

She’s not being sexy! She’s talking about fingers! What do fingers have to do with sex?! Stupid Roy!

Cheshire and Roy fight for a bit longer while Cheshire makes everybody reading aware that she wants to fuck him hard and squeeze out a baby named Lian. Is there something about Roy that I’m not seeing? Why does everybody want to fuck him so badly? Haven’t they seen how awful his Narration Boxing is? Eventually Cheshire realizes this comic book doesn’t have a Teen Plus rating so she blows poison in his face and steals his hat. Then she Cheshire Cat’s over to Red Hood and Green Arrow for some more sexual assault.

Cheshire poisons Roy again because Roy wasn’t done getting his ass kicked. I think that means he’s showing love for his friends or moxy or something. Is it possible I’ve completely lost interest in these characters because of how badly Scott Lobdell handled them?! I just see Cheshire about to paralyze Jason Todd and I think, “Nope, he can’t be paralyzed. Scott Lobdell said so.” And then Starfire grabs Cheshire and drags her over the ocean while saying, “That actually hurt me,” and I think, “Is Scott Lobdell still writing this comic book?!” And then Green Arrow saves Speedy and I think, “I wonder if Scott Lobdell’s friend Ann Nocenti wants to tell me about all of Cheshire’s toxins and where they come from and how they destroy the biology of the victim!” And then Cheshire says, “You win this round but it’s not over yet! I did that thing where I didn’t actually want to win because I won by not winning and learned all your power levels and now you’re all going to be in very serious trouble, Outlaws!” And I don’t think anything because I made that up. But it’s close enough to what happened to not show up as a lie when Jesus judges me for my sins!

Now I just have to get through the aftermath before I can take a nap!

Good job, idiot. Now you need another memory wipe!

Speedy yells at Green Arrow because Green Arrow apparently did one thing that Speedy can’t forgive him for although Speedy did about fifty bajillion things that Green Arrow has forgiven him for. So fuck you, Roy Harper. You’re an immature prick and even if you might have been a likable character at some point, I’ll never know it. Because I knew you as Speedy and never liked you. And I knew you when Scott Lobdell was writing you and I fucking hated you. And I’m not as big a man as Green Arrow, so it doesn’t look like I’ll be forgiving your faults any time soon.

Green Arrow leaves the island and Jason Todd stows away on board his heliflippitor. And then the big shocking reveal!

Well, now Jesus really can’t say I was lying! Although prognostication might be a witchy power that He’s not cool with.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #1 Rating: Angsty!

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